FAIL
I ate sushi for lunch. Yes, that means rice. Yes, that means I didn't reach 30 days... bleh
This whole brother, alcoholic, addict, thing has my nerves on edge. I just couldn't handle another day or chicken and salad for lunch. Yes, I should have planned something more interesting. but I had to be out all day, and it was the only option. So I said "screw it". I had a craving for sushi, and I went for it.
I went to an Al-anon meeting tonight, hoping to get back on an emotionally healthy track. That didn't work. Sometimes I loathe those meetings. They are more politics then anything. Aren't we supposed to be there sharing feelings and helping each other?
I'm not in a good place, I guess that's why I'm not blogging like I should be; daily. We all tend to share our happiness willingly, but keep secret our pain, don't we?
I don't know what else to write. I failed the whole30 today. Yes, I know, tomorrow is a new day.
Day 1.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Whole 30: Day 15... And Al Anon
Once again I found myself cooking a noncompliant meal for someone else... It's so frustrating! lol Why can't everyone be on the Whole 30 with me?! Darn these noncompliant eaters!
I felt like a rebel today. I didn't eat breakfast, and tried very hard not to eat lunch... Why?? I simply didn't wanna eat healthy food, so I wasn't going to eat at all. That lasted until about 1pm... At which point my son made me stop for something to eat, and of course, being the rebel I am, I didn't bring along anything to eat.
Don't worry, I made due at the food court, barely.
Then home it was, to cook yummy baked spaghetti and cheesy garlic bread for a couple who just had their first baby (the frg set up a meal train to ease them into their new life). I cooked that and silently cried as I chopped onion and cabbage for our own meal.
After dinner, I headed to an Al Anon meeting. I would tell you about it, but I'm sworn to secrecy. What happens in Al Anon, stays in Al Anon.
All joking aside though, I really needed that meeting. The family members of alcoholics are addicts too.
We are addicted to giving everything. We are addicted to being at the beck and call of our addicted loved ones. When I was a little girl, my mama first took me to Al Anon. I think it was because she didn't want me to grow up to be like her. She gave herself, 110%, to my dad and brother. She left nothing for herself. She wanted me to learn a different way. So far, I've done nothing but follow her footsteps, because in my eyes, she did what was right. But right by whom? By the ones who continue to hurt and take. I'm going to change that.
AD-DICT
noun
I felt like a rebel today. I didn't eat breakfast, and tried very hard not to eat lunch... Why?? I simply didn't wanna eat healthy food, so I wasn't going to eat at all. That lasted until about 1pm... At which point my son made me stop for something to eat, and of course, being the rebel I am, I didn't bring along anything to eat.
Don't worry, I made due at the food court, barely.
Then home it was, to cook yummy baked spaghetti and cheesy garlic bread for a couple who just had their first baby (the frg set up a meal train to ease them into their new life). I cooked that and silently cried as I chopped onion and cabbage for our own meal.
After dinner, I headed to an Al Anon meeting. I would tell you about it, but I'm sworn to secrecy. What happens in Al Anon, stays in Al Anon.
All joking aside though, I really needed that meeting. The family members of alcoholics are addicts too.
We are addicted to giving everything. We are addicted to being at the beck and call of our addicted loved ones. When I was a little girl, my mama first took me to Al Anon. I think it was because she didn't want me to grow up to be like her. She gave herself, 110%, to my dad and brother. She left nothing for herself. She wanted me to learn a different way. So far, I've done nothing but follow her footsteps, because in my eyes, she did what was right. But right by whom? By the ones who continue to hurt and take. I'm going to change that.
AD-DICT
noun
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Whole 30: Half way point!!
We made it, we made it!! No, we aren't done... But we are halfway =) This won't be a long post, as I'm super sleepy from spening the last several hours online, looking up deals and steals for a trip to Vegas! So my eyes are sore, and so is my butt from sitting here. So here's the food for the day:
Breakfast: Smoothie; carrot juice, coconut water, kale, banana, strawberries
Lunch: Roast turkey mixed with stirfry veggies, topped with an egg... eaten as lettuce wraps
Dinner: Pork steak topped with an egg and garlic greenbeans
Snack: tea and tea
Breakfast: Smoothie; carrot juice, coconut water, kale, banana, strawberries
Lunch: Roast turkey mixed with stirfry veggies, topped with an egg... eaten as lettuce wraps
Dinner: Pork steak topped with an egg and garlic greenbeans
Snack: tea and tea
Monday, July 8, 2013
Whole 30: Day 13
Today was HARD! It was nieces 6th Bday and I was surrounded by non compliant food! I was in charge of making the chili, so I took that oppurtunity to make myself and husband something yummy that we could enjoy as well. I made two different kinds... My normal, loved, chilli... and my Whole 30 chilli. People had a ton of questions about why ours was different... What the diet was about? What's paleo mean? Etc.
Overall, the people who ate ours, seemed to enjoy it! Sure, we just had chilli on this hot summer day, but we were able to enjoy some watermelon for dessert =)
I gotta tell you though, skipping out on the bday cupcakes killed me! In fact, I'm still mad! lol
Anyway, here's the food for the day:
Breakfast: Tea and pineapple
Lunch: chilli and watermelon
Dinner: Roasted chicken and Bean sprouts, cabbage, carrots, broccolli and onion, sauteed in olive oil and coconut aminos
Overall, the people who ate ours, seemed to enjoy it! Sure, we just had chilli on this hot summer day, but we were able to enjoy some watermelon for dessert =)
I gotta tell you though, skipping out on the bday cupcakes killed me! In fact, I'm still mad! lol
Anyway, here's the food for the day:
Breakfast: Tea and pineapple
Lunch: chilli and watermelon
Dinner: Roasted chicken and Bean sprouts, cabbage, carrots, broccolli and onion, sauteed in olive oil and coconut aminos
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Whole 30: Day 12
Wow, I missed a whole bunch of days! Too many to go over!
Quite overview of what was important. I had a REALLY bad day where I was just ready to quite and order a pizza! I was just done! But I turned to social media, via FB, and put my plans of quitting out there... I got a ton of support, along with some support for the pizza, and in the end, just talking about it, helped me let the cravings go.
So, SUCCESS! We are at day 12 =)
We spent the 4th of July with friends who understood our meal plan... And they were supportive after some coaxing lol Actually, we spent two nights with them! Grilling meat and veggies and not missing a darn thing! It doesn't feel like a diet at all! I try to explain to people that it's not! People think we're torturing ourselves... they urge me to just have the one cookie, it's not a big deal, they say!
After 30 days, maybe I will have the cookie. Maybe I won't have the cookie. But that's AFTER the 30 days =) We're almost to the half way mark. It has us thinking, what will we do when it's over? I know we introduce the food on the "no" list slowly. Dairy, sugar, grains, soy, alcohol (although we never drink anyway). I'm very interested in how my body with react to these things... Dairy and grains especially.
We will try to continue to be on our best behavior. Habits, ideally, should have changed after 30 days. If we see that we can't control ourselves once the 30 is over... It's another 30 days for us, this much we've agreed on. Brad is content doing the whole30 non stop. Me? not so much! So we shall see!
Breakfast: nada, I slept in
Lunch: Roasted chicken and salad
Dinner: Starfruit bbq sauce wings and beansprouts and broccolli sauteed in some coconut aminos
Quite overview of what was important. I had a REALLY bad day where I was just ready to quite and order a pizza! I was just done! But I turned to social media, via FB, and put my plans of quitting out there... I got a ton of support, along with some support for the pizza, and in the end, just talking about it, helped me let the cravings go.
So, SUCCESS! We are at day 12 =)
We spent the 4th of July with friends who understood our meal plan... And they were supportive after some coaxing lol Actually, we spent two nights with them! Grilling meat and veggies and not missing a darn thing! It doesn't feel like a diet at all! I try to explain to people that it's not! People think we're torturing ourselves... they urge me to just have the one cookie, it's not a big deal, they say!
After 30 days, maybe I will have the cookie. Maybe I won't have the cookie. But that's AFTER the 30 days =) We're almost to the half way mark. It has us thinking, what will we do when it's over? I know we introduce the food on the "no" list slowly. Dairy, sugar, grains, soy, alcohol (although we never drink anyway). I'm very interested in how my body with react to these things... Dairy and grains especially.
We will try to continue to be on our best behavior. Habits, ideally, should have changed after 30 days. If we see that we can't control ourselves once the 30 is over... It's another 30 days for us, this much we've agreed on. Brad is content doing the whole30 non stop. Me? not so much! So we shall see!
Breakfast: nada, I slept in
Lunch: Roasted chicken and salad
Dinner: Starfruit bbq sauce wings and beansprouts and broccolli sauteed in some coconut aminos
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Whole 30: Day 8
Today was Cash's second day of summer vacation and he's already bored! So we had a fun playdate with his fave little mamas =)
Meal-wise? I had to eat some roasted chicken out. Probably not the best thing to do, but it was grilled and tasted just fine, compliant wise. Fingers crossed there wasn't anything that crossed me over to the dark non compliant side O.O
I make breakfast and lunch packed up, to go, for my husband. I need to just start doing this for myself too! I'm important, aren't I ?! Yes, yes I am =)
So here's the breakdown:
Breakfast: nada =(
Lunch: grilled chicken and a side salad with no dressing
Dinner: Roasted turkey breast with lots of fresh herbs, crook neck squash sauteed with onions, and watermelon
Snack: iced tea and pineapple
Meal-wise? I had to eat some roasted chicken out. Probably not the best thing to do, but it was grilled and tasted just fine, compliant wise. Fingers crossed there wasn't anything that crossed me over to the dark non compliant side O.O
I make breakfast and lunch packed up, to go, for my husband. I need to just start doing this for myself too! I'm important, aren't I ?! Yes, yes I am =)
So here's the breakdown:
Breakfast: nada =(
Lunch: grilled chicken and a side salad with no dressing
Dinner: Roasted turkey breast with lots of fresh herbs, crook neck squash sauteed with onions, and watermelon
Snack: iced tea and pineapple
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Whole 30: One week down!
Yay! We've made it a week! AMAZED! O.O
What's changed so far? Headache was only slight tonight, not bothersome at all and gone before I knew it. My body is getting off the sugar =) Sleep is coming at a more reasonable time, which is like, midnight. Before, I never slept before 1 am. I'm not napping like I used to, with that lull in the middle of the day. Energy throughout is more consistant. It hasn't been this way since cancer!
I'm also drinking way more water. My body is CRAVING it. Not sure if that's normal? But I know water is good for me, so I'll take it.
Although I cook A LOT, the work load hasn't been too bad. Brad's taken on the task of daily dishes. YAY! So I handle food; he handles clean up. And oh my, is there a LOT of clean up! I've never had so many dirty dishes a day in my life!
Quality time together is a HUGE change that I didn't expect. Every night after dinner, we are in the kitchen for almost an hour together, while I cook the meals for his breakfast and lunch the next day, and he does the daily cleanup. We talk about our days, about funny YouTube videos we saw, about cash, about our good food, about what the weekend holds, etc etc. Prior to this, we actually had to plan meeting time several days a week in order to communicate! Sounds crazy, I know, but with our lives so busy and focused around Cash, him and I rarely just talked about... stuff!
So with that, I leave you with the meals for the day:
Breakfast: Egg over pork sausage and hot sauce
Lunch: Salad and grilled chicken at Charlies, brought own dressing
Dinner: beef stew with carrots, zucchini, onion and tomato, on top of cauliflower rice
Snack: pineapple and tea
What's changed so far? Headache was only slight tonight, not bothersome at all and gone before I knew it. My body is getting off the sugar =) Sleep is coming at a more reasonable time, which is like, midnight. Before, I never slept before 1 am. I'm not napping like I used to, with that lull in the middle of the day. Energy throughout is more consistant. It hasn't been this way since cancer!
I'm also drinking way more water. My body is CRAVING it. Not sure if that's normal? But I know water is good for me, so I'll take it.
Although I cook A LOT, the work load hasn't been too bad. Brad's taken on the task of daily dishes. YAY! So I handle food; he handles clean up. And oh my, is there a LOT of clean up! I've never had so many dirty dishes a day in my life!
Quality time together is a HUGE change that I didn't expect. Every night after dinner, we are in the kitchen for almost an hour together, while I cook the meals for his breakfast and lunch the next day, and he does the daily cleanup. We talk about our days, about funny YouTube videos we saw, about cash, about our good food, about what the weekend holds, etc etc. Prior to this, we actually had to plan meeting time several days a week in order to communicate! Sounds crazy, I know, but with our lives so busy and focused around Cash, him and I rarely just talked about... stuff!
So with that, I leave you with the meals for the day:
Breakfast: Egg over pork sausage and hot sauce
Lunch: Salad and grilled chicken at Charlies, brought own dressing
Dinner: beef stew with carrots, zucchini, onion and tomato, on top of cauliflower rice
Snack: pineapple and tea
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Whole 30: Day 5 and 6
So I was too tired to blog my day last night... We didn't get home until midnight! We had the best game night with some awesome friends of ours, playing Battle of the Sexes. As, I'm sure you can guess, the ladies won =)
Today was grocery day. We focused on meats, as we still have quite a bit fresh veggies from last weekends haul. We visited Whole Foods and bought about a 150$ in meats. Actually, not too bad, considering it's for the whole week!
I've only made a menu in my head, but not on paper. Let's hope that works for me lol
So yesterday, Day 5, went as follows:
Breakfast: Larabar
Lunch: salad with lettuce, spinach, cucumber, avo, and chicken.
Dinner: Shrimp cocktail, minus the cocktail (substituted our own avo, mayo, hot sauce, lemon juice dip), lots of veggies and fruits (had food to pick on during game night)
Today, Day 6:
Breakfast: 2.5 eggs scrambled with prosciutto, kale and onion
Lunch: Built our own salad at Whole foods with a side of kalua pig and cabbage (was totally stoked to see they had a whole 30 compliant hot entree!)
Dinner: Steak night! with asparagus, shitake mushrooms and onions
Overall, we are both feeling great! Brad is having a harder time then I am, though. He works out twice a day, usually, and he's finding that it's hard to keep his energy up with the carbs. We are gonna try to incorporate more sweet potato for his this week. I don't eat it, just don't like the taste, but he loves it. So maybe twice this week, I will roast him some. Hoping that helps!
I do get a little headache in the afternoon. Not as bad as it was the first couple days, though. I'm guessing my body isn't hating me AS MUCH for the less caffeine and sugar. I'm thinking they will go away by this next week =)
Happy Sunday everyone!
Today was grocery day. We focused on meats, as we still have quite a bit fresh veggies from last weekends haul. We visited Whole Foods and bought about a 150$ in meats. Actually, not too bad, considering it's for the whole week!
I've only made a menu in my head, but not on paper. Let's hope that works for me lol
So yesterday, Day 5, went as follows:
Breakfast: Larabar
Lunch: salad with lettuce, spinach, cucumber, avo, and chicken.
Dinner: Shrimp cocktail, minus the cocktail (substituted our own avo, mayo, hot sauce, lemon juice dip), lots of veggies and fruits (had food to pick on during game night)
Today, Day 6:
Breakfast: 2.5 eggs scrambled with prosciutto, kale and onion
Lunch: Built our own salad at Whole foods with a side of kalua pig and cabbage (was totally stoked to see they had a whole 30 compliant hot entree!)
Dinner: Steak night! with asparagus, shitake mushrooms and onions
Overall, we are both feeling great! Brad is having a harder time then I am, though. He works out twice a day, usually, and he's finding that it's hard to keep his energy up with the carbs. We are gonna try to incorporate more sweet potato for his this week. I don't eat it, just don't like the taste, but he loves it. So maybe twice this week, I will roast him some. Hoping that helps!
I do get a little headache in the afternoon. Not as bad as it was the first couple days, though. I'm guessing my body isn't hating me AS MUCH for the less caffeine and sugar. I'm thinking they will go away by this next week =)
Happy Sunday everyone!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Whole30: Day 4
It's Friday night, our eat out night! But nooooo, I had to try the healthy thing.
Let me tell you, I am NOT sorry! Dinner tonight was AMAZING!
I still need to work on the not eating so much part, though lol But I'm just glad I'm stuffed with real food, and not grease and fat. It's only day 4, I know... Too soon to see change... But I'm feeling pretty good! That's gotta count for something, right? =)
So here's the breakdown of the day...
Breakfast: Larabar (i was in a rush, forgive me)
Lunch: Denny's (weekly father, daughter lunch, i had to) salad with just plain grilled chicken breast, avo, and a fork full of their oil dressing which tasted too sweet, so i didn't eat it (i was afraid it had hidden sugar in it)
Dinner: spaghetti and zuchinni noodles
Snack: Pickle spears and watermelon
Let me tell you, I am NOT sorry! Dinner tonight was AMAZING!
I still need to work on the not eating so much part, though lol But I'm just glad I'm stuffed with real food, and not grease and fat. It's only day 4, I know... Too soon to see change... But I'm feeling pretty good! That's gotta count for something, right? =)
So here's the breakdown of the day...
Breakfast: Larabar (i was in a rush, forgive me)
Lunch: Denny's (weekly father, daughter lunch, i had to) salad with just plain grilled chicken breast, avo, and a fork full of their oil dressing which tasted too sweet, so i didn't eat it (i was afraid it had hidden sugar in it)
Dinner: spaghetti and zuchinni noodles
Snack: Pickle spears and watermelon
Friday, June 28, 2013
Whole30: Day 3
So today started off with me feeling better then ever! Then I left the house and realized I hadn't planned any meals for myself =/ Not smart! So I stopped by the local health food store and made myself a salad... for breakfast... agh. I won't pretend it was awesome... I won't.
By lunch, I was feeling sick to my stomach. After lunch, I actually was sick to my stomach. That was followed by heat flashes and just an overall feeling of BLEH.
So I made a quick soup for dinner and now, before bed, I'm feeling okay-ish. But I suspect I will experience those same side effect tomorrow again. The forums warned of these flu-like feelings the first two weeks... my body isn't used to all this real food! I'm really feeling the sugar cravings and the need for a big Monster of caffeine! How awful that I've done this to my body!! Made it reliant on this crap...
Breakfast: Salad with spinach, beets, red cabbage, romaine, carrots and dressing.
Lunch: pork patty with easy over egg, half an avo mixed with salsa, and garlic sauteed green beans
Dinner: soup with chicken, zuchinni, carrots, onion, cabbage and tomato
Snack: seedless grapes
By lunch, I was feeling sick to my stomach. After lunch, I actually was sick to my stomach. That was followed by heat flashes and just an overall feeling of BLEH.
So I made a quick soup for dinner and now, before bed, I'm feeling okay-ish. But I suspect I will experience those same side effect tomorrow again. The forums warned of these flu-like feelings the first two weeks... my body isn't used to all this real food! I'm really feeling the sugar cravings and the need for a big Monster of caffeine! How awful that I've done this to my body!! Made it reliant on this crap...
Breakfast: Salad with spinach, beets, red cabbage, romaine, carrots and dressing.
Lunch: pork patty with easy over egg, half an avo mixed with salsa, and garlic sauteed green beans
Dinner: soup with chicken, zuchinni, carrots, onion, cabbage and tomato
Snack: seedless grapes
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Whole30: Day 2
Day 2!! (jumping for joy) I actually stuck with something more then a day! lol
This will be a short one, I'm tired and just wanna to night night =)
I was out for most of the day, so I planned ahead and packed part of my lunch and a snack.
Breakfast: Kale, strawberries, banana, carrot juice smoothie and a banana on the side shared with my son
Lunch: Grilled chicken salad at Charlie's... Chicken was grilled with only salt and pepper (i checked), brought my own boiled egg and dressing.
Dinner: turkey breast and roasted asparagus wrapped in prosciutto (oh my goodness, it was amazing)
Snack: Mac nuts and pickle
Got a headache again around the same time as yesterday. Drank some green tea and it went away. Caffeine headache?
Overall, I'm feeling really full and great. Like, really full. lol I'm not used to eating any breakfast... Maybe that's the reason for the fullness? Or it could be that meat always sits heavy in me... and the Whole30 likes meat. We shall see... 28 days to go!
This will be a short one, I'm tired and just wanna to night night =)
I was out for most of the day, so I planned ahead and packed part of my lunch and a snack.
Breakfast: Kale, strawberries, banana, carrot juice smoothie and a banana on the side shared with my son
Lunch: Grilled chicken salad at Charlie's... Chicken was grilled with only salt and pepper (i checked), brought my own boiled egg and dressing.
Dinner: turkey breast and roasted asparagus wrapped in prosciutto (oh my goodness, it was amazing)
Snack: Mac nuts and pickle
Got a headache again around the same time as yesterday. Drank some green tea and it went away. Caffeine headache?
Overall, I'm feeling really full and great. Like, really full. lol I'm not used to eating any breakfast... Maybe that's the reason for the fullness? Or it could be that meat always sits heavy in me... and the Whole30 likes meat. We shall see... 28 days to go!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The Whole30: Day 1
So as you might have guessed from the title, I'm doing the Whole30. The Whole30 is a food program that's designed to restart your system. Protein is good. Starch is not. Veggies are good. Sugar is not. Etc Etc. Common sense, right? You'd think so... But as I've discovered, and as I already knew from the growing size of my stomach and butt... I needed help with my food choices.
I've spent the last several years making excuses. "I'm focussing on my sister." "I'm grieving my sister." "I have cancer." "I'll lose weight on chemo anyway." "I can't exercise, I'm sick." and so on and so on and so on.
Well, the exercise thing is true as of right now... I have an infected foot. It's been infected for a month now. Before that it was a kidney infection. Before that it was a staph infection from my hysterectomy. So fine! I'm on limited movement for the past month, that doesn't mean I have to be depressed and eat crap all day long!
Yes, I'm an emotional eater. No, knowing that does not solve the problem. Yes, I know how to lose weight. Yes, I've been on a very successful program of dieting and exercising in the past, I'm not an idiot who thinks McDonald's isn't all that bad.
So what I know, I can't unknow... got it?
Day 1
Breakfast: Kale, strawberry, banana and carrot juice smoothie
Lunch: Grilled chicken and a whole cucumber
Dinner: Turkey burger, egg, salsa, half avocado and side salad
Snacks: Half bottle of coconut water and palm full of macadamia nuts
So far, I'm feeling full and satisfied. End of day, I got a bad headache. Sugar withdrawal? We shall see tomorrow.
I've spent the last several years making excuses. "I'm focussing on my sister." "I'm grieving my sister." "I have cancer." "I'll lose weight on chemo anyway." "I can't exercise, I'm sick." and so on and so on and so on.
Well, the exercise thing is true as of right now... I have an infected foot. It's been infected for a month now. Before that it was a kidney infection. Before that it was a staph infection from my hysterectomy. So fine! I'm on limited movement for the past month, that doesn't mean I have to be depressed and eat crap all day long!
Yes, I'm an emotional eater. No, knowing that does not solve the problem. Yes, I know how to lose weight. Yes, I've been on a very successful program of dieting and exercising in the past, I'm not an idiot who thinks McDonald's isn't all that bad.
So what I know, I can't unknow... got it?
Day 1
Breakfast: Kale, strawberry, banana and carrot juice smoothie
Lunch: Grilled chicken and a whole cucumber
Dinner: Turkey burger, egg, salsa, half avocado and side salad
Snacks: Half bottle of coconut water and palm full of macadamia nuts
So far, I'm feeling full and satisfied. End of day, I got a bad headache. Sugar withdrawal? We shall see tomorrow.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Oncology on Canvas...
My hospital, Tripler, hosted an Oncology on Canvas event... I took my husband and son, and we painted our hearts out! I will share with you my painting...
"For me, one of the hardest things about getting breast cancer was the pretty pink ribbon. Breast Cancer isn't a dainty pink ribbon. It's a mutilation; an amputation.
For me, breast cancer meant a double mastectomy, full hysterectomy and oopherectomy. It was a journey that got worse before it got better. It was bloody. It was red."
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It's been awhile.
Hello Internet Peoples!
It's been a long time since my last post. You can take to mostly mean that things are okay. Cancer is gone. Surgeries are done (for now). Healing has happened.
My biggest fight now is to get my immune system back up. Dr's say it will be about a year before I'm somewhat normal. Low immune system has meant more colds, more asthma issues (not sure how that works?), and a kidney infection. That last one was a drag!
Radiation has left a permanent discoloration on my chest and underarm. It also has caused some swelling, or lymphedema. Not fun, but I will live with it my whole life, so it's okay. Some days are worse, on those days, I can't wear my prosthetic breasts. The pain is too much. So I put on a pretty scarf, even in the hot Hawaii weather, and call it fashionable. I look kinda cute in scarves!
Reconstruction is a ways off. I want to lose 40+ lbs prior. Hey, if I'm getting a tummy tuck, I might as well make it worth it! For those who aren't aware, they will be taking skin from my abdomen to reconstruct breast-like shapes out of.
So that's it for now! I will try to keep more regular with this, as my journey didn't end with treatment... Cancer follows me daily.
Reata
It's been a long time since my last post. You can take to mostly mean that things are okay. Cancer is gone. Surgeries are done (for now). Healing has happened.
My biggest fight now is to get my immune system back up. Dr's say it will be about a year before I'm somewhat normal. Low immune system has meant more colds, more asthma issues (not sure how that works?), and a kidney infection. That last one was a drag!
Radiation has left a permanent discoloration on my chest and underarm. It also has caused some swelling, or lymphedema. Not fun, but I will live with it my whole life, so it's okay. Some days are worse, on those days, I can't wear my prosthetic breasts. The pain is too much. So I put on a pretty scarf, even in the hot Hawaii weather, and call it fashionable. I look kinda cute in scarves!
Reconstruction is a ways off. I want to lose 40+ lbs prior. Hey, if I'm getting a tummy tuck, I might as well make it worth it! For those who aren't aware, they will be taking skin from my abdomen to reconstruct breast-like shapes out of.
So that's it for now! I will try to keep more regular with this, as my journey didn't end with treatment... Cancer follows me daily.
Reata
Sunday, October 14, 2012
agh...
I suppose I could have come up with a more clever title... But it wouldn't be as accurate.
I had a little, maybe a big, panic attack in the ER last night. I kept it mostly to myself... Brad knew it was happening, but I was able to breath it mostly away. It's the first time I truly felt like I was going to black out and fall to the ground at any given sec. I even decided to take my jacket off, just in case my skirt came up on my way down and Brad needed something to cover me up with. Lord forbid anyone see my underwear! ha.
Last week I had a prophylactic hysterectomy and oophorectomy. Once again, just in case you're totally lost at this point, I have the BRCA1 gene mutation... which predisposes me to cancer of my lady bits. So it was best to take them out, instead of suffering a recurrence.
As we watched the Avengers last night, I noticed a bit of wetness... but I was way too into the movie! By the time the movie was over and I went to the bathroom to see what was going on, I was soaked. My incision busted open, just about an inch... and through that inch, fluid was still draining out, a mixture of blood and who knows what.
Fast forward to the ER... I get called to triage and explained why I came in. That's when I noticed the lights were going out in my head and the stars. The nurse says my heart rate is fast, but that's normal, after all, I am draining bloody fluid from an open wound in my abdomen. Right.
The night passes. I see my surgeon. He explains they expected me in the ER, due to the trauma. Thanks for sharing that news with me... I thought I was healing well! But I guess "well" has a different definition after you've already had cancer by 30, double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. The last of which only finished three weeks prior to surgery. Anyway, they will probably end up cutting it back open a bit more, and I will be keeping the very deep (seriously, you could lose a qtip in it) wound packed full of gauze, so it can heal from the inside out.
So why the panic attack? I've been through so much worse in my seemingly short life. It was the fluid. I'm holding back emotions just admitting it in writing, to anyone who even reads this. I watched my mama and sister pass, as you may know. I cared for them both during the last 8-10 months of their lives. What do you suppose was the first sign they were terminally ill?? A belly bloated and hard with blood and fluid. Mine isn't cause by cancer tumors, nor is it caused by liver and kidney failure due to side effects of chemotherapy. Mine is just plain ole surgical complications.
But that didn't stop me from flashing back.
Today is my mama's birthday. I know I won't see her again anytime soon. So Happy Birthday Mama... I wish you were here...
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Treatments are OVER?!
Yes, you read that right!
It's been a long journey that started almost a year ago. But there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am now basking in it.
My last radiation treatment was last Tuesday. Thank you LORD! Radiation did not treat me well. So many people talk about how it's so easy compare to chemotherapy, and just feels like a bad sunburn. I learned the hard way that these people were very very lucky. I, as it seems happens quite often, was not so lucky lol.
Let me start by saying that I did and do have full faith in my radiation oncologist and his whole team. They were AMAZING! I want to take them all to Disneyland! As soon as I win the lotto =)
Now, I must tell you, that by that last day, I hated them! Don't misunderstand, I gave them nothing but love, but I truly felt tortured and ready to quit! I suffered 3rd degree burns to my chest wall and underarm. My skin was black... and in the worst spots, white O.O yes, apparently white is worse then black. I could go into why these burns happened, but I'll spare you, unless of course you need to know because you are about to receive radiation, in which case, I will edit this and include the reasoning.
For radiation you go in daily, and you get to know the techs really well. I had a team of three guys who did my daily radiation, and they were so sweet to me. I has read on other blogs that you should take leg warmers for your arms, because you get cold as you hold them above your head the whole time during treatment. Nope, didn't need them, the techs, EVERYDAY, put warm blankets around my arms, and over my bald head. As well as the normal spots on the legs, and wrapped around my feet. I couldn't have asked for a gentler, kind group.
I rewarded them with lunch on my last day =)
What's next? I can keep healing until Oct. 4th. That's when I have my next surgery. This one is to remove my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes. The reason for this is because with my BRCA1 gene and TNBC, I was told my chances of ovarian cancer by mid 40's is about 50 percent.
So take the last of my lady parts! I'm a survivor and I got this!
It's been a long journey that started almost a year ago. But there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am now basking in it.
My last radiation treatment was last Tuesday. Thank you LORD! Radiation did not treat me well. So many people talk about how it's so easy compare to chemotherapy, and just feels like a bad sunburn. I learned the hard way that these people were very very lucky. I, as it seems happens quite often, was not so lucky lol.
Let me start by saying that I did and do have full faith in my radiation oncologist and his whole team. They were AMAZING! I want to take them all to Disneyland! As soon as I win the lotto =)
Now, I must tell you, that by that last day, I hated them! Don't misunderstand, I gave them nothing but love, but I truly felt tortured and ready to quit! I suffered 3rd degree burns to my chest wall and underarm. My skin was black... and in the worst spots, white O.O yes, apparently white is worse then black. I could go into why these burns happened, but I'll spare you, unless of course you need to know because you are about to receive radiation, in which case, I will edit this and include the reasoning.
For radiation you go in daily, and you get to know the techs really well. I had a team of three guys who did my daily radiation, and they were so sweet to me. I has read on other blogs that you should take leg warmers for your arms, because you get cold as you hold them above your head the whole time during treatment. Nope, didn't need them, the techs, EVERYDAY, put warm blankets around my arms, and over my bald head. As well as the normal spots on the legs, and wrapped around my feet. I couldn't have asked for a gentler, kind group.
I rewarded them with lunch on my last day =)
What's next? I can keep healing until Oct. 4th. That's when I have my next surgery. This one is to remove my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes. The reason for this is because with my BRCA1 gene and TNBC, I was told my chances of ovarian cancer by mid 40's is about 50 percent.
So take the last of my lady parts! I'm a survivor and I got this!
Monday, July 30, 2012
It's been awhile... I know...
Things have been a bit crazy around here... Not with the cancer stuff... Just regular 'ol life.
Cancer-wise? Chemo is completely over, yay!!! I had two more biopsies that came out negative... My port was removed last Friday, or as ! my tnbc sisters called it, de-port-tation lol Let me speak a little on that port removal... As some of you might know, the worst surgery/procedure I've had through all this, was the port placement... They don't put you to sleep... just shots of numbing stuff... you're in an uncomfortable position, with your head and face completely conceled so you keep germs of the area they are cutting into... It's hard to breath, hard to focus, hard to get through! So I was none to excited about the removal.
Overall, it was better then the implant. If only because of the fact that I knew what was ahead and made some adjustments to my arms and blue paper/plastic over my face... So the position wasn't as painful to hold for an hour or so, and I could see the wall through a little spot, which made me feel like I could breath a bit better... What a relief! But again, you're awake... so I tried not to, but I kept just focusing on what they were doing... "hm, that scapel cutting feels weird... now they are digging at the skin that's encapsuled the port... ouch that part isn't numb!"... the tug tug tug... pull pull pull... squeeze squeeze squeeze.... still no port... call a different Dr.... more cutting, more digging... "wow that port is wrap in a good little pocket of skin... oh don't worry ma'am, i just stabbed you with a blunt intrument, not the scapel"... lots of squeezing by this new Dr who seems to be teaching the other Dr's what they did wrong to begin with... He tells them so that they don't have to cut a bigger scar, they will just keep squeezing and pop that port out like a pimple! "there's going to be lots of bruising ma'am... you might want some pain killers by tonight"
Finally it's out! they rinse out the wound with saline... wow that's cold and painful! they tweezer out some chunks of flesh that "no longer have blood supply"... weird dude... so weird... then they sew me up... in three different layers! Nurse bandages me, gives me lots of spares, and sends me on my way! lol I walked out of there like it was a regular dr's appointment!
So, other then that, I had radiation simulation today... they marked me all up, put some semi permanent stickers on me and will see me on thursday for the tattoo mapping that will be a permanent reminder on my chest of radiation treatment. I'm going to feel all gangsta with my radiation tattoos =)
Radiation will be everyday, except Sundays... for about 46 days. So why do I have to have radiation? Isn't the tumor completely gone now? Well yes, it appears that it is (yay again!) I took my chichis off to confirm it would be... BUT given the size of the tumor, my BRCA1 dna mutation and the fact that it's triple negative cancer, radiation has a good chance of increasing my 10 year survival (in my case, meaning that the cancer won't show up somewhere else in my body, which triple negative likes to do) . So that's fine by me... anything that will stop a recurrance... I've heard of, and seen too many of my tnbc sister pass after recurrance... It appears that when/if it comes back, it's with a vengence like no other cancer I've experienced with my family.
So the ultimate goal is to do everything in my power to insure it doesn't come back. After radiation, I'm removing my overies and other womanly parts (my BRCA1 puts me at high risk for cancer in those places). And then I'm doing a study with a known diabetes medicine that for some reason has reduced recurrance in breast cancer patients. So they want to study if it will impact recurrance in those of us who take it who don't have diabetes. Here's hoping! Oh, I'm also taking part in a study while I'm on radiation... this study is to show whether there's a correlation between radiation skin reactions and ethnicity. I just think studies are neat, so why not? They needed more Hispanics in the study, so they were estatic that I agreed =) anything to help the cause!
Pray for a cure, Pray for further medical knowledge on Triple Negetive... Chemo doesn't work on us as well... and hormone treatment is out of the question... We need more research!
Thanks for reading!
Cancer-wise? Chemo is completely over, yay!!! I had two more biopsies that came out negative... My port was removed last Friday, or as ! my tnbc sisters called it, de-port-tation lol Let me speak a little on that port removal... As some of you might know, the worst surgery/procedure I've had through all this, was the port placement... They don't put you to sleep... just shots of numbing stuff... you're in an uncomfortable position, with your head and face completely conceled so you keep germs of the area they are cutting into... It's hard to breath, hard to focus, hard to get through! So I was none to excited about the removal.
Overall, it was better then the implant. If only because of the fact that I knew what was ahead and made some adjustments to my arms and blue paper/plastic over my face... So the position wasn't as painful to hold for an hour or so, and I could see the wall through a little spot, which made me feel like I could breath a bit better... What a relief! But again, you're awake... so I tried not to, but I kept just focusing on what they were doing... "hm, that scapel cutting feels weird... now they are digging at the skin that's encapsuled the port... ouch that part isn't numb!"... the tug tug tug... pull pull pull... squeeze squeeze squeeze.... still no port... call a different Dr.... more cutting, more digging... "wow that port is wrap in a good little pocket of skin... oh don't worry ma'am, i just stabbed you with a blunt intrument, not the scapel"... lots of squeezing by this new Dr who seems to be teaching the other Dr's what they did wrong to begin with... He tells them so that they don't have to cut a bigger scar, they will just keep squeezing and pop that port out like a pimple! "there's going to be lots of bruising ma'am... you might want some pain killers by tonight"
Finally it's out! they rinse out the wound with saline... wow that's cold and painful! they tweezer out some chunks of flesh that "no longer have blood supply"... weird dude... so weird... then they sew me up... in three different layers! Nurse bandages me, gives me lots of spares, and sends me on my way! lol I walked out of there like it was a regular dr's appointment!
So, other then that, I had radiation simulation today... they marked me all up, put some semi permanent stickers on me and will see me on thursday for the tattoo mapping that will be a permanent reminder on my chest of radiation treatment. I'm going to feel all gangsta with my radiation tattoos =)
Radiation will be everyday, except Sundays... for about 46 days. So why do I have to have radiation? Isn't the tumor completely gone now? Well yes, it appears that it is (yay again!) I took my chichis off to confirm it would be... BUT given the size of the tumor, my BRCA1 dna mutation and the fact that it's triple negative cancer, radiation has a good chance of increasing my 10 year survival (in my case, meaning that the cancer won't show up somewhere else in my body, which triple negative likes to do) . So that's fine by me... anything that will stop a recurrance... I've heard of, and seen too many of my tnbc sister pass after recurrance... It appears that when/if it comes back, it's with a vengence like no other cancer I've experienced with my family.
So the ultimate goal is to do everything in my power to insure it doesn't come back. After radiation, I'm removing my overies and other womanly parts (my BRCA1 puts me at high risk for cancer in those places). And then I'm doing a study with a known diabetes medicine that for some reason has reduced recurrance in breast cancer patients. So they want to study if it will impact recurrance in those of us who take it who don't have diabetes. Here's hoping! Oh, I'm also taking part in a study while I'm on radiation... this study is to show whether there's a correlation between radiation skin reactions and ethnicity. I just think studies are neat, so why not? They needed more Hispanics in the study, so they were estatic that I agreed =) anything to help the cause!
Pray for a cure, Pray for further medical knowledge on Triple Negetive... Chemo doesn't work on us as well... and hormone treatment is out of the question... We need more research!
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Last day of chemo!!!
this will be a short post... as I don't have too much to share... other than the fact that chemo is over!!!!
now, in saying that, I do have to share some bumps and lumps... as you know, there are two new lumps in my breast tissue that's left (as i had a skin sparring mastectomy in order to make reconstruction more successful later) ... one lump had turned spongy, which is good news... so it's probably just fat necrosis... the dead fat cells that are left, teaming up together and forming a lump.... but the other lump is on my chest wall... between two ribs... and it's hard and set in it's place, so to say... this one worries them.
so, after my oncologist talked to several dr's in mammography (they would do a biopsy), they decline trying the biopsy on me, in fear they'd puncture a lung... so he was given a radiologists name (female) who he's told will take more risks if the patient is a breast cancer one... so she came to the office as soon as he called her... she felt the lump and said she'd try, only if mammogram assisted her with ultrasound... and if she felt the lump was too close to the lung, or on the outside of the lung (which is their fear) then she wouldn't be able to do... SO, i know this seems like a lot, but i'm not feeling like it is!
here's why... Triple Negative Breast Cancer isn't a one shot and your out deal like regular breast cancer can more often be... most likely I won't be celebrating 10 years of free and clear... i learned during this last visit that with further testing of my 4 cm lump, my survival rate past 10 years is 58%... not the greatest numbers... so, i'm ready for a fight... this may not be my last chemo in my lifetime, but i'm done THIS time, and i'm so happy about that =)
i've always gone through life thinking I was a realist...and people put me in the spot of negative... but i'm not negative... not at all! i face life, accept it... and move on! i smile, i laugh, i play bubbles with my son, i dance to silly songs in the bathroom naked! lol what more can i ask for?? i'm blessed... we aren't promised anything... so i take what i get, and i'm happy with it... that's what a realist is... that's who i am =)
turned out to be longer than i thought! thanks for reading through the typos and poor grammer... maybe i'll fix it later when my son isn't jumping on the bed next to me =) but for now, i need to tackle him!
now, in saying that, I do have to share some bumps and lumps... as you know, there are two new lumps in my breast tissue that's left (as i had a skin sparring mastectomy in order to make reconstruction more successful later) ... one lump had turned spongy, which is good news... so it's probably just fat necrosis... the dead fat cells that are left, teaming up together and forming a lump.... but the other lump is on my chest wall... between two ribs... and it's hard and set in it's place, so to say... this one worries them.
so, after my oncologist talked to several dr's in mammography (they would do a biopsy), they decline trying the biopsy on me, in fear they'd puncture a lung... so he was given a radiologists name (female) who he's told will take more risks if the patient is a breast cancer one... so she came to the office as soon as he called her... she felt the lump and said she'd try, only if mammogram assisted her with ultrasound... and if she felt the lump was too close to the lung, or on the outside of the lung (which is their fear) then she wouldn't be able to do... SO, i know this seems like a lot, but i'm not feeling like it is!
here's why... Triple Negative Breast Cancer isn't a one shot and your out deal like regular breast cancer can more often be... most likely I won't be celebrating 10 years of free and clear... i learned during this last visit that with further testing of my 4 cm lump, my survival rate past 10 years is 58%... not the greatest numbers... so, i'm ready for a fight... this may not be my last chemo in my lifetime, but i'm done THIS time, and i'm so happy about that =)
i've always gone through life thinking I was a realist...and people put me in the spot of negative... but i'm not negative... not at all! i face life, accept it... and move on! i smile, i laugh, i play bubbles with my son, i dance to silly songs in the bathroom naked! lol what more can i ask for?? i'm blessed... we aren't promised anything... so i take what i get, and i'm happy with it... that's what a realist is... that's who i am =)
turned out to be longer than i thought! thanks for reading through the typos and poor grammer... maybe i'll fix it later when my son isn't jumping on the bed next to me =) but for now, i need to tackle him!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
3rd Taxol down... almost there!
Only one more treatment after this! Then I'm done with chemotherapy and I move onto radiation therapy.
So what new is there to share with you? Well, my toenails are getting black spots, which is a normal side affect with Taxol, since it kills your nerves in your feet and hands. But, I'm not suffering from neuropathy ( when those nerves die and cause extreme pain, which is how I understand it). Some of my feeling is gone (they do this cool vibration test to determine that) but nothing the Dr is super worried about yet.
My fingernails are showing signs of seperating from the nail beds. Again, normal side effect. It's not to bad yet, I don't think they will actually fall off (at least I hope not, fingers crossed!).
The Taxol causes me extreme pain in my legs, but they stopped giving me the white cell booster and started me on Gabapentin (sp?), a nerve blocker. Thats kind of helped. It's not as extreme, but still very sore. The doc gave me some pain meds so I can keep up with my 3 year old lol. (whom I have to take care of alone for the next few weeks, as my husband left to pack up our house in VA so we can make this PCS to Hawaii official)
Situation in the house we're living at is a lot better. We got in trouble from my brother-in-law, owner of the house, for acting like kids. So, that straightened things out with everyone and we're all on talking terms again. I keep in mind that I'm thankful for a place to live through all this, but am excited about getting the house in VA shut down so we can finally rent our own place here and stop mooching off of him. I know they need space to mourn for the lost of their mom, his wife, my sister. I need my own place to mourn too.
I keep wondering when, if, I'm going to break down about all this. Chemo is almost over and I still feel strong in spirit. Maybe I won't break down at all? Is that normal?? Of course, I've had my days of questioning and a little sadness, but no break down, no week of laying in bed and crying. Oh well, I'll be thankful for that strong spirit I've been given and stop wondering when I'm going to be weak... It's a silly thing to wonder, isn't it?
Once again, thanks for reading and listening!
So what new is there to share with you? Well, my toenails are getting black spots, which is a normal side affect with Taxol, since it kills your nerves in your feet and hands. But, I'm not suffering from neuropathy ( when those nerves die and cause extreme pain, which is how I understand it). Some of my feeling is gone (they do this cool vibration test to determine that) but nothing the Dr is super worried about yet.
My fingernails are showing signs of seperating from the nail beds. Again, normal side effect. It's not to bad yet, I don't think they will actually fall off (at least I hope not, fingers crossed!).
The Taxol causes me extreme pain in my legs, but they stopped giving me the white cell booster and started me on Gabapentin (sp?), a nerve blocker. Thats kind of helped. It's not as extreme, but still very sore. The doc gave me some pain meds so I can keep up with my 3 year old lol. (whom I have to take care of alone for the next few weeks, as my husband left to pack up our house in VA so we can make this PCS to Hawaii official)
Situation in the house we're living at is a lot better. We got in trouble from my brother-in-law, owner of the house, for acting like kids. So, that straightened things out with everyone and we're all on talking terms again. I keep in mind that I'm thankful for a place to live through all this, but am excited about getting the house in VA shut down so we can finally rent our own place here and stop mooching off of him. I know they need space to mourn for the lost of their mom, his wife, my sister. I need my own place to mourn too.
I keep wondering when, if, I'm going to break down about all this. Chemo is almost over and I still feel strong in spirit. Maybe I won't break down at all? Is that normal?? Of course, I've had my days of questioning and a little sadness, but no break down, no week of laying in bed and crying. Oh well, I'll be thankful for that strong spirit I've been given and stop wondering when I'm going to be weak... It's a silly thing to wonder, isn't it?
Once again, thanks for reading and listening!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Taxol...
I'm not a complainer. I handle pain well, very well. But for the sake of getting this down on record; for the sake of possibly helping someone who may someday in the same situation; I won't sugar coat this.
I hurt. I more than hurt, I ache a deep ache I've never felt before. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My legs are throbbing and I can't stand up straight. My fingernails feel like they are falling out. My toes feel like they've been burned in a fire and are raw. I can't open a can of soda without excruciating pain. I can barely walk up the stairs without wanting to crawl up them on all fours.
All from a drug called Taxol. I, of course, haven't suffered any physical abuse, just internal. It's tricking my nerves into feeling these things, and I can't make it stop.
I hurt. I more than hurt, I ache a deep ache I've never felt before. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My legs are throbbing and I can't stand up straight. My fingernails feel like they are falling out. My toes feel like they've been burned in a fire and are raw. I can't open a can of soda without excruciating pain. I can barely walk up the stairs without wanting to crawl up them on all fours.
All from a drug called Taxol. I, of course, haven't suffered any physical abuse, just internal. It's tricking my nerves into feeling these things, and I can't make it stop.
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