I had a little, maybe a big, panic attack in the ER last night. I kept it mostly to myself... Brad knew it was happening, but I was able to breath it mostly away. It's the first time I truly felt like I was going to black out and fall to the ground at any given sec. I even decided to take my jacket off, just in case my skirt came up on my way down and Brad needed something to cover me up with. Lord forbid anyone see my underwear! ha.
Last week I had a prophylactic hysterectomy and oophorectomy. Once again, just in case you're totally lost at this point, I have the BRCA1 gene mutation... which predisposes me to cancer of my lady bits. So it was best to take them out, instead of suffering a recurrence.
As we watched the Avengers last night, I noticed a bit of wetness... but I was way too into the movie! By the time the movie was over and I went to the bathroom to see what was going on, I was soaked. My incision busted open, just about an inch... and through that inch, fluid was still draining out, a mixture of blood and who knows what.
Fast forward to the ER... I get called to triage and explained why I came in. That's when I noticed the lights were going out in my head and the stars. The nurse says my heart rate is fast, but that's normal, after all, I am draining bloody fluid from an open wound in my abdomen. Right.
The night passes. I see my surgeon. He explains they expected me in the ER, due to the trauma. Thanks for sharing that news with me... I thought I was healing well! But I guess "well" has a different definition after you've already had cancer by 30, double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. The last of which only finished three weeks prior to surgery. Anyway, they will probably end up cutting it back open a bit more, and I will be keeping the very deep (seriously, you could lose a qtip in it) wound packed full of gauze, so it can heal from the inside out.
So why the panic attack? I've been through so much worse in my seemingly short life. It was the fluid. I'm holding back emotions just admitting it in writing, to anyone who even reads this. I watched my mama and sister pass, as you may know. I cared for them both during the last 8-10 months of their lives. What do you suppose was the first sign they were terminally ill?? A belly bloated and hard with blood and fluid. Mine isn't cause by cancer tumors, nor is it caused by liver and kidney failure due to side effects of chemotherapy. Mine is just plain ole surgical complications.
But that didn't stop me from flashing back.
Today is my mama's birthday. I know I won't see her again anytime soon. So Happy Birthday Mama... I wish you were here...
