3rd chemo down...

Like the title says, today was chemo number three... I don't believe I ever gave specifics on what I'm taking... it's an AC regimen, please don't ask me to remember the long names! Wiki it, it has a list of regimens on there =) I will be taking it for four cycles and then moving on to a new regimen... Can't remember that one, I'll post it when I know it.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm feeling better than my last post. The kids seem to be making more effort... perhaps because their father is coming a bit out of his shell?? He's taken on the task of cooking dinners, which is nice... I was kinda worn out and getting exhausted from them. Plus, my nephew doesn't like my cooking! just his mama's =( I could only try so hard... I just don't cook like her. So, anyway,  T's doing the cooking again and everyone is happier... he actually socializes while he cooks! I'm glad to see him feeling up to it =) =)

So, for anyone who reads this that's going through, or will be, or knows someone going through chemo... I'll document what I've dealt with so far.

-hair fell out on around day 13, about right on time according to the chemo ladies.  I opted to shave it before it started falling out too bad, as I decided to take control of it and break the emotional cycle of watching my beautiful hair dropping to the floor... so I say, take charge! it's one of the few things we can control =)

-got a mouth sore after 2nd treatment, spoke with some of my TNBC (triple negative breast cancer) sisters for advice. My mouth was pretty torn up from all things hard... they recommended Biotene toothpaste and mouthwash, a soft bristled brush, and rinsing with salt/baking soda water after each meal. I'm happy to report the sore is gone and my mouth doesn't feel raw anymore! Curious to see if it comes back after this treatment, or if I've found a magic cure for mouth sores thanks to those lovely ladies =)

-suffered an allergic reaction from the dexamethasone this time... it's the pre-treatment steroid they give you to help fight side effects of the chemo. It consisted of a bright red/hot face and shortness of breath.  Silly me, ever trying to "not bother" people decided to keep it to myself and go to the restroom to use my inhaler I had with me for my asthma.  =/ got called a bad name by the charge nurse for doing that.... and told that from now on, they are following me into the bathroom to make sure I'm not going in there to hide ... so kids, if you don't want the chemo nurses to get angry with you, tell them when you feel funky, okay!?     lol

-other than that, just some general exhaustion, dizziness, slight nausea, diarhea, and body aches. No big deal... I got this =)     
 

No, Really, I'm just fine...

I live in a house, where everyone's been dealing with cancer for over 8 months. Not because of me, but for my sisters fight.  Her kids and husband watched her taken by the invader. I watched her.

I cared for my mom while she slowly slipped away in a years time. Caring for my sister along side them (the kids and her husband) was second nature because of that year with my mother.

With that said, I have grown very forgiving of the lack of interest in.... well, me, in general. I was sorry for getting sick. Sorry for having to put them through it while they were dealing with so much. Sorry for having to loose my hair and visually remind them of my cancer. Just sorry that I'm such a burden on them. 

Though, I can't pretend it doesn't hurt. It does. It hurts more than I can explain.  I live in a house where I don't matter. Where my cancer doesn't matter.  Where I'm okay, really... I'm just fine.

A letter for my beautiful sister, Sheryl Anita Flores Kim, or Tita, to me alone…

Where do I start? I know this isn’t the last time I will talk with you, but it feels so final.  This letter will find its way into your urn plot, where I hope the words somehow reach you. 

I guess I’ll start from the beginning.  You were there, but then… you were always there.  Mama’s pregnancy with me made her sick, she got cancer.  You were there to take care of me for her.   Long have I heard the stories of me going to school with you, sitting in classes and being such a good kid that the teachers didn’t mind.  They knew why you had me there; they knew you were just being a good big sister.  Always, from the very beginning, you were nothing but a good big sister. 

As the years went on, I thought of you as my second mama.  I won’t lie, when I was younger I hated it… one mama was enough! But, as I got older, I realized you were invested in me as a mother would be.   I grew to respect your strength and absolute love.   I looked up to you… you were what I wanted to be for mama and the family.  You gave selflessly, and completely, for those you love. 

Years later, when mama got sick again, you and I grew closer than we’d ever been.  I think finally, you saw me as someone more than just the little kid I once was.  I think you were proud of what I had become. Proud that you could count on me to take care of mama.  I knew you wanted more than anything, to be able to give your all to mamas care, but I thank you SO MUCH for allowing me to grow up and help her through it, by standing in the place you would have been if you had the chance to. 

Mamas passing made us best friends.  Our pain was one in the same.  We shared the same nightmares, the same heart break, the same anger….  You were who I could turn to. 

Leaving you to follow brad to VA was one of the hardest things I had to do. But, never, in a million years, did I think I’d be coming back in a year to sit by your side as you slowly slipped away.  Cancer.  I can’t tell you how badly I hate that word, that disease, that parasite.  God kept me here long enough to be with you until the end… I know that’s why I have cancer now too.  I had hoped you’d be okay; I was leaving in January to come back in April. Had I left, you’d have been gone… and I would have never forgiven myself for not holding your hand at the end.  

I know it hurt you to know I was sick too, now. But please, don’t worry about me.  I know I’ll be okay… I have you and mama to look up to.  You both fought with all your soul and I will too.  I rest assured knowing you are an angel, looking down on me, holding my hand as I held yours and mamas. And I know that if God needs another one of us, I’ll be reunited with you, and I will rejoice in that.  I love you more than I could ever express in words. 

Your little sister, your best friend,

Lupe