Sunday, October 14, 2012

agh...

I suppose I could have come up with a more clever title... But it wouldn't be as accurate.

I had a little, maybe a big, panic attack in the ER last night. I kept it mostly to myself... Brad knew it was happening, but I was able to breath it mostly away.  It's the first time I truly felt like I was going to black out and fall to the ground at any given sec. I even decided to take my jacket off, just in case my skirt came up on my way down and Brad needed something to cover me up with.  Lord forbid anyone see my underwear! ha. 

Last week I had a prophylactic hysterectomy and oophorectomy. Once again, just in case you're totally lost at this point, I have the BRCA1 gene mutation... which predisposes me to cancer of my lady bits. So it was best to take them out, instead of suffering a recurrence. 

As we watched the Avengers last night, I noticed a bit of wetness... but I was way too into the movie! By the time the movie was over and I went to the bathroom to see what was going on, I was soaked.  My incision busted open, just about an inch... and through that inch, fluid was still draining out, a mixture of blood and who knows what. 

Fast forward to the ER... I get called to triage and explained why I came in. That's when I noticed the lights were going out in my head and the stars. The nurse says my heart rate is fast, but that's normal, after all, I am draining bloody fluid from an open wound in my abdomen. Right. 

The night passes. I see my surgeon. He explains they expected me in the ER, due to the trauma. Thanks for sharing that news with me... I thought I was healing well! But I guess "well" has a different definition after you've already had cancer by 30, double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. The last of which only finished three weeks prior to surgery. Anyway, they will probably end up cutting it back open a bit more, and I will be keeping the very deep (seriously, you could lose a qtip in it) wound packed full of gauze, so it can heal from the inside out. 

So why the panic attack? I've been through so much worse in my seemingly short life. It was the fluid. I'm holding back emotions just admitting it in writing, to anyone who even reads this.  I watched my mama and sister pass, as you may know. I cared for them both during the last 8-10 months of their lives. What do you suppose was the first sign they were terminally ill?? A belly bloated and hard with blood and fluid. Mine isn't cause by cancer tumors, nor is it caused by liver and kidney failure due to side effects of chemotherapy. Mine is just plain ole surgical complications. 

But that didn't stop me from flashing back. 

Today is my mama's birthday. I know I won't see her again anytime soon. So Happy Birthday Mama... I wish you were here... 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Treatments are OVER?!

Yes, you read that right!

It's been a long journey that started almost a year ago. But there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am now basking in it.

My last radiation treatment was last Tuesday. Thank you LORD! Radiation did not treat me well. So many people talk about how it's so easy compare to chemotherapy, and just feels like a bad sunburn. I learned the hard way that these people were very very lucky. I, as it seems happens quite often, was not so lucky lol.

Let me start by saying that I did and do have full faith in my radiation oncologist and his whole team. They were AMAZING! I want to take them all to Disneyland! As soon as I win the lotto =)

Now, I must tell you, that by that last day, I hated them! Don't misunderstand, I gave them nothing but love, but I truly felt tortured and ready to quit! I suffered 3rd degree burns to my chest wall and underarm.  My skin was black... and in the worst spots, white O.O yes, apparently white is worse then black. I could go into why these burns happened, but I'll spare you, unless of course you need to know because you are about to receive radiation, in which case, I will edit this and include the reasoning.

For radiation you go in daily, and you get to know the techs really well.  I had a team of three guys who did my daily radiation, and they were so sweet to me. I has read on other blogs that you should take leg warmers for your arms, because you get cold as you hold them above your head the whole time during treatment. Nope, didn't need them, the techs, EVERYDAY, put warm blankets around my arms, and over my bald head. As well as the normal spots on the legs, and wrapped around my feet. I couldn't have asked for a gentler, kind group.

I rewarded them with lunch on my last day =)

What's next? I can keep healing until Oct. 4th. That's when I have my next surgery. This one is to remove my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes. The reason for this is because with my BRCA1 gene and TNBC, I was told my chances of ovarian cancer by mid 40's is about 50 percent.

So take the last of my lady parts! I'm a survivor and I got this!

Monday, July 30, 2012

It's been awhile... I know...

Things have been a bit crazy around here... Not with the cancer stuff... Just regular 'ol life.

Cancer-wise? Chemo is completely over, yay!!! I had two more biopsies that came out negative... My port was removed last Friday, or as ! my tnbc sisters called it, de-port-tation lol Let me speak a little on that port removal... As some of you might know, the worst surgery/procedure I've had through all this, was the port placement... They don't put you to sleep... just shots of numbing stuff... you're in an uncomfortable position, with your head and face completely conceled so you keep germs of the area they are cutting into... It's hard to breath, hard to focus, hard to get through! So I was none to excited about the removal.

Overall, it was better then the implant. If only because of the fact that I knew what was ahead and made some adjustments to my arms and blue paper/plastic over my face... So the position wasn't as painful to hold for an hour or so, and I could see the wall through a little spot, which made me feel like I could breath a bit better... What a relief! But again, you're awake... so I tried not to, but I kept just focusing on what they were doing... "hm, that scapel cutting feels weird... now they are digging at the skin that's encapsuled the port... ouch that part isn't numb!"... the tug tug tug... pull pull pull... squeeze squeeze squeeze.... still no port... call a different Dr.... more cutting, more digging... "wow that port is wrap in a good little pocket of skin... oh don't worry ma'am, i just stabbed you with a blunt intrument, not the scapel"... lots of squeezing by this new Dr who seems to be teaching the other Dr's what they did wrong to begin with... He tells them so that they don't have to cut a bigger scar, they will just keep squeezing and pop that port out like a pimple! "there's going to be lots of bruising ma'am... you might want some pain killers by tonight"

Finally it's out! they rinse out the wound with saline... wow that's cold and painful! they tweezer out some chunks of flesh that "no longer have blood supply"... weird dude... so weird... then they sew me up... in three different layers! Nurse bandages me, gives me lots of spares, and sends me on my way! lol I walked out of there like it was a regular dr's appointment!

So, other then that, I had radiation simulation today... they marked me all up, put some semi permanent stickers on me and will see me on thursday for the tattoo mapping that will be a permanent reminder on my chest of radiation treatment. I'm going to feel all gangsta with my radiation tattoos =)

Radiation will be everyday, except Sundays... for about 46 days. So why do I have to have radiation? Isn't the tumor completely gone now? Well yes, it appears that it is (yay again!) I took my chichis off to confirm it would be... BUT given the size of the tumor, my BRCA1 dna mutation and the fact that it's triple negative cancer, radiation has a good chance of increasing my 10 year survival (in my case, meaning that the cancer won't show up somewhere else in my body, which triple negative likes to do) .  So that's fine by me... anything that will stop a recurrance... I've heard of, and seen too many of my tnbc sister pass after recurrance... It appears that when/if it comes back, it's with a vengence like no other cancer I've experienced with my family.

So the ultimate goal is to do everything in my power to insure it doesn't come back. After radiation, I'm removing my overies and other womanly parts (my BRCA1 puts me at high risk for cancer in those places). And then I'm doing a study with a known diabetes medicine that for some reason has reduced recurrance in breast cancer patients. So they want to study if it will impact recurrance in those of us who take it who don't have diabetes. Here's hoping! Oh, I'm also taking part in a study while I'm on radiation... this study is to show whether there's a correlation between radiation skin reactions and ethnicity. I just think studies are neat, so why not? They needed more Hispanics in the study, so they were estatic that I agreed =) anything to help the cause!

Pray for a cure, Pray for further medical knowledge on Triple Negetive... Chemo doesn't work on us as well... and hormone treatment is out of the question... We need more research!

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Last day of chemo!!!

this will be a short post... as I don't have too much to share... other than the fact that chemo is over!!!!

now, in saying that, I do have to share some bumps and lumps... as you know, there are two new lumps in my breast tissue that's left (as i had a skin sparring mastectomy in order to make reconstruction more successful later) ... one lump had turned spongy, which is good news... so it's probably just fat necrosis... the dead fat cells that are left, teaming up together and forming a lump.... but the other lump is on my chest wall... between two ribs... and it's hard and set in it's place, so to say... this one worries them.

so, after my oncologist talked to several dr's in mammography (they would do a biopsy), they decline trying the biopsy on me, in fear they'd puncture a lung... so he was given a radiologists name (female) who he's told will take more risks if the patient is a breast cancer one... so she came to the office as soon as he called her... she felt the lump and said she'd  try, only if mammogram assisted her with ultrasound... and if she felt the lump was too close to the lung, or on the outside of the lung (which is their fear) then she wouldn't be able to do... SO, i know this seems like a lot, but i'm not feeling like it is!

here's why... Triple Negative Breast Cancer isn't a one shot and your out deal like regular breast cancer can more often be... most likely I won't be celebrating 10 years of free and clear... i learned during this last visit that with further testing of my 4 cm lump, my survival rate past 10 years is 58%... not the greatest numbers... so, i'm ready for a fight... this may not be my last chemo in my lifetime, but i'm done THIS time, and i'm so happy about that =)

i've always gone through life thinking I was a realist...and people put me in the spot of negative... but i'm not negative... not at all! i face life, accept it... and move on! i smile, i laugh, i play bubbles with my son, i dance to silly songs in the bathroom naked! lol what more can i ask for?? i'm blessed... we aren't promised anything... so i take what i get, and i'm happy with it... that's what a realist is... that's who i am =)

turned out to be longer than i thought! thanks for reading through the typos and poor grammer... maybe i'll fix it later when my son isn't jumping on the bed next to me =) but for now, i need to tackle him!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

3rd Taxol down... almost there!

Only one more treatment after this! Then I'm done with chemotherapy and I move onto radiation therapy.

So what new is there to share with you? Well, my toenails are getting black spots, which is a normal side affect with Taxol, since it kills your nerves in your feet and hands. But, I'm not suffering from neuropathy ( when those nerves die and cause extreme pain, which is how I understand it). Some of my feeling is gone (they do this cool vibration test to determine that) but nothing the Dr is super worried about yet.

My fingernails are showing signs of seperating from the nail beds. Again, normal side effect. It's not to bad yet, I don't think they will actually fall off (at least I hope not, fingers crossed!).

The Taxol causes me extreme pain in my legs, but they stopped giving me the white cell booster and started me on Gabapentin (sp?), a nerve blocker.  Thats kind of helped. It's not as extreme, but still very sore. The doc gave me some pain meds so I can keep up with my 3 year old lol. (whom I have to take care of alone for the next few weeks, as my husband left to pack up our house in VA so we can make this PCS to Hawaii official)

Situation in the house we're living at is a lot better. We got in trouble from my brother-in-law, owner of the house, for acting like kids. So, that straightened things out with everyone and we're all on talking terms again. I keep in mind that I'm thankful for a place to live through all this, but am excited about getting the house in VA shut down so we can finally rent our own place here and stop mooching off of him. I know they need space to mourn for the lost of their mom, his wife, my sister. I need my own place to mourn too.

I keep wondering when, if, I'm going to break down about all this. Chemo is almost over and I still feel strong in spirit. Maybe I won't break down at all? Is that normal?? Of course, I've had my days of questioning and a little sadness, but no break down, no week of laying in bed and crying. Oh well, I'll be thankful for that strong spirit I've been given and stop wondering when I'm going to be weak... It's a silly thing to wonder, isn't it?

Once again, thanks for reading and listening!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Taxol...

I'm not a complainer. I handle pain well, very well.  But for the sake of getting this down on record; for the sake of possibly helping someone who may someday in the same situation; I won't sugar coat this.

I hurt. I more than hurt, I ache a deep ache I've never felt before. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  My legs are throbbing and I can't stand up straight. My fingernails feel like they are falling out.  My toes feel like they've been burned in a fire and are raw. I can't open a can of soda without excruciating pain. I can barely walk up the stairs without wanting to crawl up them on all fours. 

All from a drug called Taxol.  I, of course, haven't suffered any physical abuse, just internal.  It's tricking my nerves into feeling these things, and I can't make it stop.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Half way there and a possible "lump" in the road...

AC treatment is down, no more red devil, that's good news!

Started Taxol regimen today. Doing it every other week, for 3 hours. Nausea shouldn't be as bad, but neuropathy is a big problem with this chemotherapy drug. Neuropathy is basically the dying off of your nerves in your fingers and toes. Pretty big deal, if it should occur. So, I'll be watching that closely and hoping for the best. Overall, I handled the first half of chemo really well, so I have high hopes for this second part. I only threw up once last week!

Now on to some worrisome news. I felt a lump in the tissue left on my right breast. That's the breast that had the cancer. As you might know by now, I had a skin sparing mastectomy, so as to make reconstruction easier and less Frankenstein-ish lol Although I wanted a complete removal of all tissue and skin, the surgeon made the last minute call and I woke up with lots of skin left. That fact also increases my risk for recurrence in the breast. SO, upon feeling this new lump, I decided to tell the oncologist and see what he thought.

He felt it, and decided it was cause for concern. BUT, it's good to remember that the odds of cancer being able to grow while on the type of chemo I was doing, is very rare. Again, BUT as we also know, Triple Negative Cancer doesn't follow rules. Everyone's is different. Everyone's is also very aggressive. So I see my surgeon in a few days, hopefully it's nothing and we can move on. Praying for the best, but accepting whatever comes my way.

Lots of thank you's for my readers/friends/family... You help me stay positive and happy through all this... sometimes, when my minds blank, I sit and wonder how I'm getting through it all... On paper/blog it seems like so much came crashing down in a short period of time. Perhaps I should be crashing down too? lol but that's not me, I truly feel blessed and happy to be living my life. Sure, I wish my sister and mom were here... Sure, it would have been cool to have not gotten cancer...But God's given me this for a reason, and I feel confident that if He decides He needs me in Heaven, then He will take me, and I will rejoice in my family reunion.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

3rd chemo down...

Like the title says, today was chemo number three... I don't believe I ever gave specifics on what I'm taking... it's an AC regimen, please don't ask me to remember the long names! Wiki it, it has a list of regimens on there =) I will be taking it for four cycles and then moving on to a new regimen... Can't remember that one, I'll post it when I know it.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm feeling better than my last post. The kids seem to be making more effort... perhaps because their father is coming a bit out of his shell?? He's taken on the task of cooking dinners, which is nice... I was kinda worn out and getting exhausted from them. Plus, my nephew doesn't like my cooking! just his mama's =( I could only try so hard... I just don't cook like her. So, anyway,  T's doing the cooking again and everyone is happier... he actually socializes while he cooks! I'm glad to see him feeling up to it =) =)

So, for anyone who reads this that's going through, or will be, or knows someone going through chemo... I'll document what I've dealt with so far.

-hair fell out on around day 13, about right on time according to the chemo ladies.  I opted to shave it before it started falling out too bad, as I decided to take control of it and break the emotional cycle of watching my beautiful hair dropping to the floor... so I say, take charge! it's one of the few things we can control =)

-got a mouth sore after 2nd treatment, spoke with some of my TNBC (triple negative breast cancer) sisters for advice. My mouth was pretty torn up from all things hard... they recommended Biotene toothpaste and mouthwash, a soft bristled brush, and rinsing with salt/baking soda water after each meal. I'm happy to report the sore is gone and my mouth doesn't feel raw anymore! Curious to see if it comes back after this treatment, or if I've found a magic cure for mouth sores thanks to those lovely ladies =)

-suffered an allergic reaction from the dexamethasone this time... it's the pre-treatment steroid they give you to help fight side effects of the chemo. It consisted of a bright red/hot face and shortness of breath.  Silly me, ever trying to "not bother" people decided to keep it to myself and go to the restroom to use my inhaler I had with me for my asthma.  =/ got called a bad name by the charge nurse for doing that.... and told that from now on, they are following me into the bathroom to make sure I'm not going in there to hide ... so kids, if you don't want the chemo nurses to get angry with you, tell them when you feel funky, okay!?     lol

-other than that, just some general exhaustion, dizziness, slight nausea, diarhea, and body aches. No big deal... I got this =)     
 

Thursday, March 22, 2012

No, Really, I'm just fine...

I live in a house, where everyone's been dealing with cancer for over 8 months. Not because of me, but for my sisters fight.  Her kids and husband watched her taken by the invader. I watched her.

I cared for my mom while she slowly slipped away in a years time. Caring for my sister along side them (the kids and her husband) was second nature because of that year with my mother.

With that said, I have grown very forgiving of the lack of interest in.... well, me, in general. I was sorry for getting sick. Sorry for having to put them through it while they were dealing with so much. Sorry for having to loose my hair and visually remind them of my cancer. Just sorry that I'm such a burden on them. 

Though, I can't pretend it doesn't hurt. It does. It hurts more than I can explain.  I live in a house where I don't matter. Where my cancer doesn't matter.  Where I'm okay, really... I'm just fine.

Friday, March 2, 2012

A letter for my beautiful sister, Sheryl Anita Flores Kim, or Tita, to me alone…


Where do I start? I know this isn’t the last time I will talk with you, but it feels so final.  This letter will find its way into your urn plot, where I hope the words somehow reach you. 

I guess I’ll start from the beginning.  You were there, but then… you were always there.  Mama’s pregnancy with me made her sick, she got cancer.  You were there to take care of me for her.   Long have I heard the stories of me going to school with you, sitting in classes and being such a good kid that the teachers didn’t mind.  They knew why you had me there; they knew you were just being a good big sister.  Always, from the very beginning, you were nothing but a good big sister. 

As the years went on, I thought of you as my second mama.  I won’t lie, when I was younger I hated it… one mama was enough! But, as I got older, I realized you were invested in me as a mother would be.   I grew to respect your strength and absolute love.   I looked up to you… you were what I wanted to be for mama and the family.  You gave selflessly, and completely, for those you love. 

Years later, when mama got sick again, you and I grew closer than we’d ever been.  I think finally, you saw me as someone more than just the little kid I once was.  I think you were proud of what I had become. Proud that you could count on me to take care of mama.  I knew you wanted more than anything, to be able to give your all to mamas care, but I thank you SO MUCH for allowing me to grow up and help her through it, by standing in the place you would have been if you had the chance to. 

Mamas passing made us best friends.  Our pain was one in the same.  We shared the same nightmares, the same heart break, the same anger….  You were who I could turn to. 
Leaving you to follow brad to VA was one of the hardest things I had to do. But, never, in a million years, did I think I’d be coming back in a year to sit by your side as you slowly slipped away.  Cancer.  I can’t tell you how badly I hate that word, that disease, that parasite.  God kept me here long enough to be with you until the end… I know that’s why I have cancer now too.  I had hoped you’d be okay; I was leaving in January to come back in April. Had I left, you’d have been gone… and I would have never forgiven myself for not holding your hand at the end.  

I know it hurt you to know I was sick too, now. But please, don’t worry about me.  I know I’ll be okay… I have you and mama to look up to.  You both fought with all your soul and I will too.  I rest assured knowing you are an angel, looking down on me, holding my hand as I held yours and mamas. And I know that if God needs another one of us, I’ll be reunited with you, and I will rejoice in that.  I love you more than I could ever express in words. 

Your little sister, your best friend,
Lupe

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

First treatment down...

Let me first start by saying, it's been a little over two weeks since my sister passed, and I've still not gotten over the "Anger" stage of grieving. Yesterday was the viewing of her body before cremation. Saturday will be the burial.

The viewing was all that I'd knew it would be. Cold, painful, and unnecessary. Maybe that's selfish of me? It's just, I've seen her lifeless body enough to fuel dreams for years to come... and fuel them, it has. But this was a whole new view. A frozen, sweaty as it defrosted, view. I kissed her despite of it, I couldn't leave there without giving her one last kiss. I asked the kids and her husband to join hands with me as I prayed.  I used prayer as a way to remind them that their mother, Sheryl, was already amongst the angels; this was just her vessel.... Ashes to ashes.

So, chemo. That started today, as mentioned in the title. Due to my age and health, I made a good candidate for a research group being run by a Cancer Center in NY. They are aiming to prove that regular exercise improves the side effects of chemotherapy treatments. So I wear a pedometer and actigraph (whatever that is?) daily, and also have a set workout regimen I have to follow.  Mostly just resistance band stuff and walking so many steps a day. No biggie, right?? I can do this... although I haven't worked out in a pretty long time and am double thinking the idea of starting to while on chemo... but hey, I've always been a little out of the box, bat shit crazy.

The initial feelings on today?  I was scared and nervous. The actual treatment wasn't bad, they poked a needle in my port on my chest and gave me some pre-med drugs. They issued two huge syringes of the "Red Devil" along with one other chemotherapy drug afterward. Got some nausea meds to take home, along with stool softeners and prilosec (all prophylactic drugs for possible side effects of the chemotherapy).  Also, got an injection to take home to help boost my white blood cells. I'm sure the family will have fun poking me!  

Anyway, that's that. Now it's just a "wait and see" kinda game as to when these side effects will hit. As you know by now, I'll keep you posted.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

2/10/12...

The first thing I registered yesterday morning was the simultaneous sound of my bedroom door slamming open and my niece crying hysterically. It was closely followed by Cash crying and Brad screaming for his life. Myself? I was calm and all too aware that the time had come.

 Just as I was about to slap brad in the face to wake him from his hysteria, he snapped out of it and jumped up.... So I ran downstairs. I see my brother in law kneeling next to my sisters favorite recliner, lightly pushing on her chest, crying and saying "breath my love, please breath". I yell for brad to hurry, she needs CPR, which he's trained to do. He gets there and for a split second I see him register the bile coming from her mouth, but he doesn't hesitate to put his mouth to hers and start breathing for her. He tells Terrance, my brother in law, to push harder. And so they continue this until the help arrives.

 The firemen are the first responders. They pull her lifeless body to the floor, forgetting to brace her head. Brad catches it, and saves them from cracking her head on the wooden floor. They asked all these questions, we answer and watch helplessly. Terrance and I had both sunk to the floor, him still crying, me, in shock. Brad was helping. My niece still hysterical on the phone trying to reach my sisters oldest daughter. Her boyfriend upstairs, keeping the kids from the stuff nightmares are made of.

 Ambulance arrives. More of the same. Then they load her on a gurney and I yell for everyone to get a jacket because we are hauling out to the hospital. We arrive right behind the ambulance, through the back doors with my sister. Drs are waiting, a room is waiting, partitions to block everyone from that area are set up. We are strategically blocked from the room and told to answer some questions for the dr. It's just a diversion to keep us calm and away from the gory stuff they had to do to try to get her heart pumping. They place us in our own room, far away from hers, armed with boxes of Kleenex and warm blankets. I take the few moments to call my father, brother and oldest sister.

 My brother and sister head to the hospital, my father is stuck in the mainland on a trip to visit his brother. I don't know how long it was, but by now my sisters oldest daughter has arrived and my siblings aren't far away. The Dr comes in to say there is a slight heart beat but she's not able to breath enough on her own, and her body isn't keeping enough of the oxygen. So, she was alive but only because of the machines, and even with that, she'd slowly slip away very soon.

We can go see her now, "spend the rest of the time with her" .

 We walk in the room, she's been tubed and has dark blood running out of the side of her mouth. It was the side that I stood on, not the side all her kids were on. I try to clean it without them noticing, because when my own mother died, seeing her mouth fill with blood was an image I've never been able to shake.

 I hold her hand. It's still so warm and feels so alive, just like it did that month I spent with her in the hospital when she was first diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I held her hand a lot then, also. This would be the last time I'd feel it. I memorized her fingers, the tan from all her rings she loved so much, her beautiful long nails. I thought of how different her hand felt in mine, in comparison to my mothers that final day. She still had so much life left in hers.

Then, even despite me knowing better, I got so mad at God, silently yelling at him that it just wasn't fair.... She had so much life left! Everyone took their turn talking to her one last time, kissing her one last time, thanking her for all she'd done for us... one last time. We all held hands and I led a prayer. Then my brother took over holding her hand that I had held for so long, as we all watched her oxygen drop from 42 to 30 percent in the hour we sat there. Then we gave her husband some time alone with her.

 We all knew her wishes of not living on machines and it was clear she wouldn't be able to live without them, so it was time for her husband to tell us his decision. She had made it so clear to us all, that he needn't explain it to any of us, but he felt he had to, he felt he needed to say he was sorry. Him and the kids sobbed and hugged for a long time, them telling him that he had nothing to be sorry for. He spent more time alone with her and then my niece informed the drs of our decision.

 We stayed for the disconnection, not wanting to miss a second of time with her. What happened next wasn't something anyone should see. The tubes came out, as did bile and blood. And she kept breathing, breaths I've heard referred to as "death breaths". Her daughter softly cried out, " she's still breathing!" this went on for about ten minutes, until a look of shear horror and pain fell on her as she took her last breath, that you could hear filled up her lungs with fluid. Then the torture in her face slowly eased..... And she was gone forever.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

What am I supposed to do with these?

It's been almost two weeks since I've lost my breasts. Well, "lost" isn't exactly accurate but who has time to dwell on technicalities? So, anyway, it's been two weeks of ups and downs. At my best, I'm running around like a maniac trying to clean the house or go out for an all day shopping trip. At my worst, I decide to lay in bed for hours watching episodes of "Weeds" on Netflix. The bad days aren't TOO bad....


...until I remove my shirt.

On good days I can just blur out the area. You know, like on a "girls gone wild" commercial? Yeah, I can do that on my good days. But the bad days render me not so talented. I remove my shirt and just stare at this skin that's been left...and I always wonder the same thing, "what am I supposed to do with these?" 

 Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful the tumor is gone. It's just...I went in there prepared for a simple mastectomy and came out with a skin sparring one. I grew up with a mother who had mastectomies, I was prepared to look like her. But I don't.... Instead I have two very different pockets of skin left on my chest. One is a flap that just hangs there... The other is kind of suctioned in to look like a bowl. Gross, right? And I have to stare at them for a whole year?!

I feel so....butchered.

Chemo starts either next week or the week after. I know I will make it through all this, but will this spare skin? Even the dr showed concern as to wether it would be usable in a year. I can only wait and see... And hope for the surgeons sake, that he didn't emotionally torture me for nothing. Heh.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

They are gone...

It's been 4 days since I've been breast free as well as, hopefully, cancer free.

Let me start by saying, I feel pretty damn good. I keep thinking that maybe I'm in denial... Should the pain be this minimal? Should I really be up and at it, not laying in bed crying??

Now let me go back to the day of my surgery... Things were a bit surreal.... Well, more than a bit. It started with me being late... So, I got to avoid the hours of waiting in pre op! Everyone seemed to know my name and what I was there for... First thing was nuclear medicine. There, they injected dye in my lymph nodes with four needles via my nipple, no anesthesia. Little breast massages followed to work the dye through... I guess the private last moment I had with my husband was now voided because this Dr just had the last hurrah my breasts were ever gonna experience ... Bastard. After an hour of pictures, I got to get dressed again and the guy actually said, "oh yeah, that's right! I Forgot you wore glasses" =/

Fast forward through scrubbing down, a million of the same questions by every member of the surgery team, kicking Brad out of pre op because he was literally shaking, writing an "l" and "r" on my breasts so they wouldn't get mixed up.... And then waking up.

There was a nurse there telling me something important. All I could feel was the lack of weight on my chest... I touched it when she walked away... And broke down. They were gone! Just like that.... They were there, and now they aren't! Where did they go?? In a waste disposal bag, in a trash can? I was sobbing so hard that two nurses freaked out and were screaming for my nurse, "something's wrong, she's crying, get her pain medicine!"...

My nurse kept asking me where it hurt... Can I breath okay? Is it my throat??

No, I was just gasping for air because I was hyperventilating... Because they were here and now they are just gone, I told her. She hugged me softly and rubbed my back... Told me she was my best friend today and I could cry all I want.

By the time I got to a room and Brad was there, everything was okay... He was smiling from ear to ear, so happy to see me and to see I was the same old rock as always. Happy for the preliminary news that my nodes were cancer free. His happiness made me even more confident in my own. The Dr told us that he had a change of heart about the total skin removal after the nodes turned out negative... So he did a skin sparring mastectomy on both sides. Visually it's not what I was prepared for, but Brad is so confident in me being rid of cancer that he doesn't even seem to care about the new look of things.

So today, I feel pretty damn good!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

My decision...

I was told today that the surgeon will take into account my BRCA-1 gene mutation... Which meant I was now free to make the choice of a double mastectomy, instead of the lumpectomy that was planned for Friday. Big problem, Cancer Board confirmed that I'll be going through chemotherapy and radiation.  What does this mean for my breast reconstruction I was planning on?? It will be on hold for a year until treatments are over. 

They gave me a day to decide the fate of my breasts. Tomorrow I sign the consent forms.

All day I've been hearing things like, "just take them off, get rid of that nasty cancer forever!", "you are more than just a pair of breasts, girl!!" etc etc. As if I don't know these things?  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people trying... but the bottom line is, unless you've faced the decision of cutting off your breasts, I'd prefer to just not hear these things from you.

There's only one person I wanted to hear an opinion from, and she's gone forever. But, I can hear my  mama loud and clear. I know what she'd say, afterall, she went through it.

Tomorrow I'll sign the consent forms for a double mastectomy. Friday I will lose my chichis for good.