A letter for my beautiful sister, Sheryl Anita Flores Kim, or Tita, to me alone…

Where do I start? I know this isn’t the last time I will talk with you, but it feels so final.  This letter will find its way into your urn plot, where I hope the words somehow reach you. 

I guess I’ll start from the beginning.  You were there, but then… you were always there.  Mama’s pregnancy with me made her sick, she got cancer.  You were there to take care of me for her.   Long have I heard the stories of me going to school with you, sitting in classes and being such a good kid that the teachers didn’t mind.  They knew why you had me there; they knew you were just being a good big sister.  Always, from the very beginning, you were nothing but a good big sister. 

As the years went on, I thought of you as my second mama.  I won’t lie, when I was younger I hated it… one mama was enough! But, as I got older, I realized you were invested in me as a mother would be.   I grew to respect your strength and absolute love.   I looked up to you… you were what I wanted to be for mama and the family.  You gave selflessly, and completely, for those you love. 

Years later, when mama got sick again, you and I grew closer than we’d ever been.  I think finally, you saw me as someone more than just the little kid I once was.  I think you were proud of what I had become. Proud that you could count on me to take care of mama.  I knew you wanted more than anything, to be able to give your all to mamas care, but I thank you SO MUCH for allowing me to grow up and help her through it, by standing in the place you would have been if you had the chance to. 

Mamas passing made us best friends.  Our pain was one in the same.  We shared the same nightmares, the same heart break, the same anger….  You were who I could turn to. 

Leaving you to follow brad to VA was one of the hardest things I had to do. But, never, in a million years, did I think I’d be coming back in a year to sit by your side as you slowly slipped away.  Cancer.  I can’t tell you how badly I hate that word, that disease, that parasite.  God kept me here long enough to be with you until the end… I know that’s why I have cancer now too.  I had hoped you’d be okay; I was leaving in January to come back in April. Had I left, you’d have been gone… and I would have never forgiven myself for not holding your hand at the end.  

I know it hurt you to know I was sick too, now. But please, don’t worry about me.  I know I’ll be okay… I have you and mama to look up to.  You both fought with all your soul and I will too.  I rest assured knowing you are an angel, looking down on me, holding my hand as I held yours and mamas. And I know that if God needs another one of us, I’ll be reunited with you, and I will rejoice in that.  I love you more than I could ever express in words. 

Your little sister, your best friend,

Lupe